I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
