Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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