I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
