based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
