I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
