I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
