I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
