evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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