And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i was born a porn star she said
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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