Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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