My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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