Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
