The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
