Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
