She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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