matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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