Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
