I heard we made out
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
