I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
