i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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