I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
