Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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