She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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