so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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