wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
