it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Randomize
