you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
