I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
