the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize