Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
