she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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