Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
