Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
