omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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