After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
