the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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