shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
