What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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