my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
