I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's never too late to be topless.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
