His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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