i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
