i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
this is an emotional support booty call
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
