I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
