i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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