The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
