i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
