Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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