had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
