I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
