ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
