you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
