I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
