There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
