I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
