i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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