no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
