Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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