dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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