you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
