her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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